


Still Be There

by aewgliriel



Category: Star Wars Legends: Legacy Era - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Children, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 12:23:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5743759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aewgliriel/pseuds/aewgliriel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a tragedy, Jaina has to pick up the pieces, with the help of a friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**\--Prologue--**  
  
The ballroom was crowded. Jaina smothered a nervous giggle and gripped her new husband's hand tightly. He smiled down at her, faintly, his green eyes filled with love for her.

"You ready to do this?" he asked.

She nodded. "Let's do it."

She patted at her up-do, and then smoothed the skirt of her wedding dress. He pulled her forward as he shoved the doors open.

The best man, who had been watching for their entrance, stood from the head table, glass of pale blue champagne raised, and said, "Presenting . . . Mr. and Mrs. Jagged Fel!"

The applause was nearly deafening, half of the guests pilots they'd served with in the war. Jaina blushed, laughing, and wrapped her arms around Jag's waist. He pulled her onto the floor for their first dance.

After she danced with Jag, she danced with her father. She was looking for Jag when a warm hand closed around hers, and she looked up into another set of green eyes. She let him lead her into another song.

"You look happy," Kyp Durron said.

"Surprised?" she asked.

He shook his head, a genuine smile on his sharp features. "Not really. I mean, I always planned to steal you away from Captain Cardboard, but I never saw an opening."

He said it with a grin, and she laughed. Then her smile faltered. "Are you okay?" she asked. "I mean, with this?"

Kyp looked down at their feet. Her shoes were almost hidden by the lacy skirt of her dress. "That's quite a dress," he commented. "Frills, lace, poufy skirt . . . I think there's enough shiny beading on your dress to make you visible from space."

Jaina snorted. "Quit stalling."

He looked back up, somewhat reluctantly. "Yeah. I guess. I'm happy for you, I really am. Seeing you happy makes me happy."

She frowned a little.

Kyp shook his head. "Don't worry about it, Goddess. I'll live. I mean, if I really had a problem with it, I would have absconded with you instead of agreeing to be best man."

She laughed. "You're my best friend, Kyp, you know that?"

"Isn't Jag supposed to be your best friend?" he asked.

Jaina opened her mouth to reply, but Jag materialised beside them as if summoned. He grinned at Kyp.

"I held off as long as I could," the younger man said. "The song's about to end . . . can I have my wife back?"

Kyp quirked a lopsided smile. "Yeah, sure."

He released Jaina, and stepped back. His smile faded as Jag took his place. He didn't fail to notice how Jaina beamed at Jag, despite the conversation they'd just been having.

He sighed, and glanced around the room for a new partner. He spotted Danni Quee off to one side, sitting by herself with a cup of punch, and dove through the crowd towards her.  
  


\-----

 

When the groom tossed the garter, Kyp caught it.


	2. Chapter 2

**\--Chapter One--**  
  
 _It's never easy and you never know_  
 _What leaves you crying_  
 _And what makes you whole_  
 _There ain't no way that I can hold it down_  
 _Falling to pieces_  
 _Forever in doubt_  
  
 _\-- Rob Thomas, "When The Heartache Ends"_  
  
"No! No no no no no!"

Jag paused in lifting his mug of caf, and glanced at Kyp, who was leaning on the other side of the counter. The Jedi Master looked amused.

"That's generally one of the first three words they learn," he said.

"Her first," Jag mused, "was 'Dada'. Her second was 'no'."

A naked toddler came streaking through the kitchen, still shouting "No!" at the top of her small lungs. Black hair was plastered to her head, still soapy. After her charged her mother, who wore approximately half a tub of water, and carried a large towel.

Kyp's lips twitched.

Jaina levelled narrowed brown eyes at him, the same colour as her daughter's. "Laugh and I'll strangle you with this towel."

He gestured, and two-and-a-half-year-old Natale Fel came floating in, a metre off the floor.

Jag shook his head. "Wish I had that ability sometimes," he said. "She gets into _everything_."

"Imagine two of her. Oh, wait, you've also got Jaina. Never mind," Kyp muttered, as Jaina wrapped the child in the towel. He didn't see her reach out until she smacked him upside the head. "Ow!"

Jag nearly spit out a mouthful of caf as he laughed.

Kyp gave him an evil look.

Jaina rolled her eyes. "I'm going to go rinse off the monkey-lizard."

Her husband snaked an arm around her waist as she went past. He pulled her close and kissed her. Natale giggled; Kyp looked away.

"I've got to go," Jag said. He plucked at the front of Jaina's tunic, looking rueful. "Have that meeting on Csilla."

"Like I could forget," she said quietly. "Have you considered resigning?"

"Many times." Jag stood, setting down his mug, and pulled her close again, his arm around their daughter. The perfect family. He kissed Jaina's upturned mouth, then his daughter's cheek. "Be good for Mommy, Nat, while Daddy's gone."

The toddler frowned, tears filling her large eyes. "No go, Daddy," she said. "Stay!"

"Can't, sweetheart. But I'll bring you presents from Grandma and Grandpa, okay?"

Natale's chin quivered. "'Kay."

Jag glanced at Kyp. "Bribery always works," he murmured.

"How long did it take you to figure that out?" the Jedi inquired, looking amused.

"You'd better go," Jaina said. She kissed Jag, then took Natale back to the 'fresher.

"You going to bring me a present, too?" Kyp asked, grinning.

Jag snorted.

Kyp stood, and extended his hand to the other man. "I'll watch over them."

The younger man clasped his hand. "You'd better. I don't know how long I'm going to be gone. I told Jaina it was a meeting, but . . . Well, I can't talk about it. Top secret. Please . . . don't tell Jaina. I don't want to worry her."

Kyp nodded. "I understand."

Jag's pale green eyes went towards the hallway, where Jaina had passed. A muscle in his jaw ticced, and he closed his eyes. "I'd better go."

He turned and picked up his bag.  
  


\-----

"Unckie Kyp?"

"Yeah?"

"When Daddy comin' back?"

Kyp glanced at the child, who was currently trouncing him in the board game they were playing. Force-sensitive, with her father's analytical mind, and every one of the Solo traits, made for a dangerous combination. Not to mention she was the cutest kid he'd ever seen, besides Jaina herself at this age.

"Soon," he said.

No one knew, actually. Jag had been gone a month, on a mission that he'd told Jaina would be two weeks at the most. Jaina's efforts to reach him on Csilla had met with dead ends. His parents didn't know where he was, and the government on Csilla wouldn't divulge anything.

Kyp felt guilty, watching Jaina worry, but having sworn not to tell her what her husband had confided in him.

"I miss Daddy," Natale said.

"I know, kiddo," he said. He glanced at the chrono. Where was Jaina? He was only supposed to babysit until 1900. "Hey, you want a cookie?"

The child lifted a black brow. He thought wistfully that even with the black hair, she looked so much like Jaina that he could, in the secret places in his mind, imagine she was his daughter, not Jag's.

Not that that was likely to happen. He grimaced, running a hand through his silver-shot black curls.

"Mommy says no cookies."

Kyp almost said, "Well, Mommy's not here." He stopped with his mouth open because he realised that it would be a very bad thing to say to the willful toddler. "Well . . . today's a special day, so we'll have a treat. How's that sound?"

"What day?"

 _Think fast, Durron,_ he thought to himself. "Uh . . . it's a Fête Day." Well, somewhere in the galaxy, it probably was.

"'Kay."

They abandoned the game and went into the kitchen. Kyp got a cookie out of the jar and handed it to her. It had chocolate pieces in it, and she quickly got the chocolate smeared all over her face.

Kyp eyed her with dismay. _Stang, Jaina's gonna kill me._

He went to find a cloth to wash Natale's face. He was wetting it at the sink in the 'fresher when he heard the front door open. "Jaina?"

Hurrying to forstall her seeing the mess he'd managed to get her child into, he went into the entryway, where Jaina stood. She was pale, with a flimsiplast printout in her hand.

"Hi," she said, hoarsely. She went past him into the kitchen. 

Kyp followed, expecting her to shout at him at any second. But when he got to the kitchen, he found her holding Natale close, despite the chocolate. Sheepishly, he held up the cloth.

Jaina took it, but didn't use it. She set it on the counter, then put Natale back in her chair. She got another cookie out of the jar and handed it to her daughter.

Something strange was going on . . . "Okay, who are you and where's the Jaina who would have Force-strangled me for giving her kid chocolate? Are you a pod-person?" he asked, shooting for levity.

Jaina whirled away, but not before he saw her face twist in a spasm of agony.

Without looking at Natale, he grabbed Jaina and hustled her out of the kitchen. He sat her down in the den and asked, "Goddess? What's wrong?"

Jaina couldn't hold it back any longer and tears spilled down her face. She held out the flimsiplast sheet. It was wrinkled and smudged, but still legible. His heart felt like lead as he scanned the words. Her voice was nearly unrecognisable as she spoke.

"Jag's dead. How am I going to tell Natale? What am I going to do without him?"


	3. Chapter 3

**\--Chapter Two--**  
  
 _But it's alright_  
 _Why don't you tell me again_  
 _How you'll still be there_  
 _When the heartache ends_  
  
 _\-- Rob Thomas, "When The Heartache Ends"_  
  
Automatically, Kyp gathered Jaina into his arms and held her as she broke down, sobbing raggedly for the loss of her husband. He couldn't believe it. Jag had been around for nine years; it was a bit surreal to think that he was gone now.

He'd thought once that he'd feel happy to be rid of his rival, but as Kyp witnessed Jaina's grief, he felt nothing but sadness. Jaina had loved Jag, still loved him. Death didn't change that. The last thing Kyp wanted was for Jaina to be in pain.

"It's okay," he said, when she'd calmed a bit. "Do you want me to take Natale over to your parents' apartment? Will you be okay here?"

She shook her head. "No. I don't want to be alone."

"Okay." He smoothed her hair. "Would you like me to comm your mother?"

A moment, then she nodded. "Please."

She got up on shaky legs and went in to the kitchen, where Natale was banging the top of her high chair. Jaina concentrated on washing the little girl's face and hands, then picked her up and held her close.

She didn't know how to tell this child that the father she worshipped wasn't coming back. Jag wasn't ever going to tuck her in, or read her "Little Lost Bantha Cub", or eat Nat's vegetables when he thought Jaina wasn't looking.

Jaina was crying again, sitting on the floor, with Nat in her lap. Her daughter sensed her misery, but didn't know the cause. She was crying, too, but asking, "Mommy, why you crying?"

Kyp moved into view and took Nat. "C'mere, Nat. Grandma Leia's on her way to see you, let's leave Mommy alone for a minute, okay?"

"Why's Mommy crying?" Nat immediately asked Kyp.

"We'll talk about that in a bit, okay?" Kyp ushered Nat into her room and told her to play with her toys.

The initial shock was wearing off for Jaina, as it sank in fully that Jag was dead. He wasn't coming back. Ever. And she hadn't felt him go.

A chill ran over Kyp's skin, making all the hairs on his neck and arms stand on end, at the wail that came from the kitchen. Instinctively, he knew it was Jaina, but it didn't _sound_ like Jaina.

As he sank down beside her on the cold tiles, he finally understood what Han had told him, years before, when Jaina's brother, Anakin, had died. How Leia had cried as if mortally wounded herself. How it had felt to watch her suffer and not know what to do.

Kyp was sitting on the floor with Jaina in his lap, Nat bawling in her bedroom, when Han and Leia came in. All he'd told them was that it was an emergency. He wasn't particularly surprised to see Luke and Mara follow Jaina's parents.

Immediately, Mara scowled at Kyp, but Leia recognised something in Jaina that only she could identify with. She knelt down and wrapped her arms around her daughter.

Kyp turned Jaina over to Leia and stood up. He pulled the flimsiplast sheet from his pocket and handed it to Han. "Jaina got this today."

Han read the two brief lines and went pale. "Oh, Jaina."

"What?" Mara asked.

"It's Jag," Luke said. He had a distant look in his eyes.

"Oh." The former assassin looked shaken. "Oh, no."

Kyp slipped past them to see to Natale. He wrapped her in her favourite quilt, and brought her out to see the family.

The little girl's eyes were red-rimmed, and she was sniffling, comforted by Kyp's familiar presence. But she lunged for Han when she saw him.

"This isn't very much information," Mara said, regaining her poise. "We should see if Wedge can get anything out of Soontir . . ."

Luke nodded.

On the floor, Jaina cried in her mother's arms.  
  


\-----

They took Jaina to the med centre for the night, for observation, and sedated her. Han and Leia took Natale, who still didn't know why her mommy was crying and still asked every timepart or so.

Kyp stayed at the med centre to watch over Jaina, fulfilling his promise to himself, and to Jag. She woke in the middle of the night, disoriented, and Kyp placed a hand on her shoulder to guide her back down.

"Shh," he said. "It's alright."

A look of utter dejection crept up as she realised where she was, and why. But she didn't cry.

"He's gone," she said.

"I know."

"I couldn't believe it. I knew it was true, but I didn't want to believe it. And then I realised that he's gone, and he's not coming back . . . and I didn't really tell him good-bye. And I'll never get the chance."

Kyp clasped her hand in his. "I know."

"Has anyone . . . told Natale yet?"

"No." He shook his head. "Your parents have her for the night. Your father says they'll take care of her as long as you need. General Antilles contacted Csilla. Soontir and Syal are coming with Jag's- With Jag. He says they'll be here in a few days."

She processed that, but didn't comment on his near slip. "How am I going to tell Natale?"

"I don't know, Goddess. One of us could do it, but it would be best coming from you. I guess . . . you could start off small, and tell her that he isn't coming back?"

Jaina shook her head. "She knows something's wrong. She won't settle for that answer."

"Too much of you in her," Kyp murmured. He held her left hand, the one with the silver wedding band with channel-set gems. "I know it's hard right now, but it'll be okay. If you need anything, I'll help you. You know that, right?"

"Yeah," she whispered. "I know. What did I ever do to deserve two wonderful men in my life?"

One corner of his mouth lifted briefly. "You're you. Doesn't take more than that."

She drew a shuddery breath. "I'm so tired . . ."

"You should sleep. Rest, and face this in the morning." He squeezed her hand. "I'll still be here. As long as you need me."

"Thank you, Kyp." She closed her eyes, and her breathing evened out.

Kyp sighed, wondering what was going to become of all of them now.  
  


\-----

Jaina's overnight bag hit the entryway floor with a thump. She passed a weary hand over her eyes. She still felt hollow inside. The place where she'd kept Jag in her heart hurt. Funny that he'd been dead a week before she'd found out, and she hadn't felt the loss until then.

Kyp, proving ever-indispensible, had babysat Natale while Jaina's parents picked her up at the med centre and dropped her off at home. He was sitting on the floor, Nat in his lap, the two of them watching a children's holo.

How often had she teased Jag about that? How often had she asked him how he maintained his stiff exterior while he spent the morning on the floor, watching kiddie shows with a two-year-old?

"Will you be alright?" Leia asked quietly.

"Yeah. I'll be okay. I've got Nat here . . . and Kyp, too," she added as an afterthought.

Leia looked skeptically towards the living room and found that Kyp was paying more attention to the holo than Nat, who was braiding Kyp's hair. He was probably just ignoring the child's efforts. "I remember when you did that to his hair," Leia said.

"She was always mad that her Daddy's hair was too short to braid," Jaina said quietly. "Kyp's wonderful for putting up with her."

Soon after, Leia left, and Jaina went to sit in the living room. She shut off the holo-projector and said, "Natale, honey, come sit with Mommy."

The child immediately abandoned playing with "Unckie Kyp's" hair and climbed up on the sofa. Jaina looked at Kyp and her lips twitched. Half his head was braided at odd angles, tied clumsily with string and a bit of bright pink ribbon.

"Don't even think about it," he said.

"Wouldn't dream of it." Jaina looked back at her daughter. "Nat, honey . . . you know your daddy went away, right?"

Natale nodded. "Uh-huh. When's Daddy comin' home?"

Jaina felt tears prick at her eyes, and willed them away. She felt Kyp's silent support wrap around her like a warm blanket, and shot him a small, grateful look. She hesitated, and drew a deep breath. She let it out slowly, then said, "He's . . . not, sweetheart."

The almost-three-year-old looked confused. "Daddy lef' us?"

Jaina struggled for a response. How would Jag have handled this? She'd never know, obviously. "No, sweetheart, he didn't leave us. He was taken from us. Do you . . . remember the fish we had?"

Nat nodded. "Fissie dieded."

Jaina smiled faintly. Nat had insisted on naming the fish, from Mon Calamari, where Jag had first proposed, and had chosen "Fissie" because she couldn't say "Fishie". She could say "fish" now, but the name had stuck. The fish had died because Nat, in her eagerness to feed the fish a few months before, had accidentally tipped the bowl over and spilled the fish onto the floor.

"Yeah, Fissie died. Um . . . Nat, honey . . . Daddy isn't coming back, because . . ." Jaina trailed off, unable to say the words to her child, unable to cause the heartbreak she knew would shatter the child.

Nat stared at her, brown eyes intent, as she worked through what her mother was saying. " _Daddy_ . . . dieded?"

The child's voice was incredulous, wavery and distrustful. She didn't want to believe that her mommy would lie to her.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," Jaina whispered. It was the only thing she could say, and it was horribly inadequate.

Big, fat tears rolled down Nat's cheeks, and then she burst into equally large, gulping sobs. "No! No no no no no nononononono! Daddeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Jaina wrapped her arms around her daughter, even though Nat struggled. "I'm sorry, Nattie.  I'm so sorry."


	4. Chapter 4

**\--Chapter Three--**  
  
 _Well it's alright_  
 _Why don't you tell me my friend_  
 _How you'll still be there_  
 _When the heartache ends_  
  
 _\-- Rob Thomas, "When The Heartache Ends"_  
  
Jaina and her parents met Soontir and Syal Fel at the landing platform nearest the med centre. Wynssa Fel was there, as well, the willowy young woman pale and withdrawn.

Syal wrapped Jaina in a tight embrace. "How are you?" she asked.

"I've been better," Jaina replied. "Thank you for coming."

"Where is Natale?" her mother-in-law asked.

"A friend is watching her. I didn't think she needed to be here for this. She's been really distraught since I told her."

Syal's smile was sad, her pale green eyes, the colour of Jag's, sparkling with unshed tears. "Poor child. She loved her father very much."

Jaina nodded.

Soontir was next. He wasn't, generally, an openly affectionate man, but he drew Jaina into a hug. He didn't say anything, just held her.

After a while, Jaina drew back and asked, "Where . . . Where is he? Can I see him?"

Soontir was visibly reluctant. "He's still on the ship, in a cryo-pod. I . . . don't think it would be wise, Jaina."

Jaina's mouth flattened into a thin line. "I don't care if it's wise or not. I need to see my husband."

Syal placed her hand on Soontir's arm. "Let her, 'Tir. I'd feel the same if it was you. Regardless of . . . circumstances."

Jaina paled, hearing this. "How bad is it?" she rasped.

Her father-in-law shook his head, then gestured to the ship. "Come on, then."

They had his cryo-pod in the hold. It was set to refrigerate but not freeze. Jaina drew the black cloth back and stared through the transparisteel at Jag's still features. He wore a crisp new uniform, hands folded across his chest. His wedding ring glinted in the light.

"We didn't know if you wanted the ring as part of his personal effects," Soontir said.

Jaina bit her lip, feeling the grief rising in her like a dark tide. She shoved it down, reluctant to break down in front of Jag's parents. She placed a hand on the cool transparisteel. She couldn't see any damage, other than that he was so inanimate.

"What happened?" she repeated.

Soontir moved to stand on the other side of his son's casket. He was silent for several moments, thinking over his words. "Jag was on a high-security mission to one of the planets bordering Chiss space. They wouldn't tell me the details of the mission, even though I'm the assistant syndic for the Nuruodo clan. What they _would_ tell me was that Jag's clawcraft was shot down by enemy fire. It was two days before they found him. He was barely alive, and-"

He stopped to collect himself. "He died about an hour later."

Han came up beside his daughter and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

"We have his things," Syal said quietly.

Jaina blinked away tears. "I'd like them. And . . . I'd like his ring to stay where it is. Where it should be."  
  


\-----

The bag of personal effects clutched in her hands, Jaina arrived back at the apartment she'd shared with Jag for five years. Kyp met her in the entryway.

"She's asleep," he said. "How'd it go?"

She gestured to the living area and they sat down. Kyp waited, asking no questions.

"The details are sketchy," she murmured. "Some top secret thing. All I know is, Jag was shot down, and he crashed . . . and they didn't find him for two days. He was still alive when they found him, Kyp. He was in that wreck for two days, in pain, before they found him. Two whole days. Why didn't they find him sooner? They could have saved him!"

Tears poured down her face. Kyp held out his arms, and Jaina rested her head against his shoulder.

"You don't know that," he murmured. "It could be that nothing could have saved him, Jay. And we probably won't know, ever, if they could have. You know what it's like. How many pilots did we lose during the war? We still haven't found some of the ones who went down on Borleias. It's been nine years and we haven't found them."

"I know," she whispered. "But it's so unfair. He suffered, all alone. Force . . . if I'd known, I'd never have let him go. I'm his _wife_. He- We swore we'd be together at the end. And . . . I wasn't there."

"You were in spirit, Jay," Kyp told her. "There wasn't a day in that month where you didn't try to contact him. And I'm sure that you were in his thoughts. He loved you, Jaina."

She looked down at the bag in her hands. It was a black opaque fabric bag. She didn't know if she wanted to look, because she didn't want to know what he'd had with him at the end.

"You want me to go so you can go through that?" he asked, as if reading her thoughts.

Jaina hesitated. "I . . . Yeah? I'd like to be alone for a bit."

He nodded, gave her hand a squeeze. "If you need me, you know how to reach me."

She sat on the sofa until he'd let himself out and she heard the door close behind him. Reaching out in the Force, she checked on Natale, who was, as he'd said, sound asleep. Then she took a deep breath and unzipped the bag.

The first thing she pulled out was his commlink. The casing was scratched and worn. Next was his charrik, the power cells drained so it was just a metal lump.

A holocube, with a variety of holos of her, Natale, and his parents and siblings. She stopped on the holo of Jag holding newborn Natale, and closed her eyes.

She remembered vividly that first day, when Nat had been born, and the expression on Jag's face when the medic had handed Jag his daughter. His face had been unguarded, open, as he stared with wonder at his child.

Jaina placed a hand against her belly. They'd talked of adding another child, but the timing hadn't been right. Part of her was glad, because she didn't want to have Jag's child and not have him be there, not have him hold him or her. It was hard enough with Nat.

But she also wished that she had a son she could name after his father, with those pale green eyes. Wished she had one more piece of Jag with her, if she couldn't have him.

Jaina set the holocube on the low table in front of her and pulled out the next item. It was his datapad.

She turned it on. It was the one he used as his journal, to document his thoughts. He'd started doing it near the end of the war, she knew. There was an audio file, recorded not long before Jag had died. She paused, wondering what she would hear. Then she pressed play.

There was a crackle, a burst of static, and then Jag's voice. He sounded tired, and in pain. Her heart nearly stopped when she realised that it was the last time she would hear his voice.

"I don't know if this is actually working. But I need to try. I need to-" He coughed. "Jaina . . . if you get this . . . My fighter's crashed in dense forestry. Things are . . . pretty bad. I don't know how long it's going to be until they find me, or if they will, but . . . I need to tell you . . ."

A long silence followed, and she was afraid that those were his last words.

He coughed, and said, "Jaina, I love you. I think I've loved you since I first met you, but for so long, I couldn't say the words. I wish now that I'd said them more, because I don't think I'm going to be able to say them to you again. Not in person.

"I love you, and I wish that I could hold you again. I wish I could make love to you again. I want to see you so badly. This holo does you no justice. I want to see Nat again . . . I want to grow my hair out so she can finally braid it like she's always wanted to."

There was a strangled sound, and Jaina realised, as tears cascaded from her own eyes, that Jag was crying.

"I'm not going to make it back, Jaina. I can't feel my legs, and I'm losing feeling in my arms. I don't know how long I've been lying here, but I can't move. Don't cry, Jaina. I've accepted this, as much as I hate it. They say every man dies, but not every man really lives. I think, with you, that I've really lived."

Another pause, longer this time. "I'm tired, Jaina. I don't think it'll be long now. I wish you were with me now. I don't want to be alone."

Another cough, not as forceful. "Jaina . . . I love you. Tell Nattie that I love her. Jaina . . . take care of her. And . . . let Kyp take care of you. He loves you as much as I do. I don't want to say that, but I know it. I don't want you to be alone like I am. Sith, I hate saying that. Live, Jaina. Live for me."

Then, after a short silence, "I love you, Jaina. I always will. Remember that."

Jaina sat in silence for a long, long time, and then listened to it again.  
  


\-----

Jag's funeral was two days later. Jaina dressed in black, and dressed Natale in the new black dress she'd bought. The little girl was restless and cranky, whining that she wanted her Daddy.

Jag hadn't wanted a funeral on Csilla. He'd told her once, in a moment when they'd been remembering the war, that he wanted a Corellian funeral. And he wanted her to choose where to lay him to rest, if he went before she did, because she'd be the one to visit him most.

She'd never thought that day would come.

Jaina had chosen Ossus, near the new academy. She'd made the decision that she couldn't live any longer in the apartment they'd shared, because it hurt too much to lay in bed alone, knowing that his side would remain empty. She'd accepted her uncle's offer of a teaching position at the academy and packed up the possessions they'd accumulated over the last five years. Natale hadn't wanted to move, but she also demanded repeatedly for Jaina to bring Jag back.

Jag was the first being laid to rest in the memorial field on Ossus, even though he wasn't a Jedi. He hadn't been a Jedi, but he'd been an integral part of the lives of many. Jaina let Natale drop the first handful of dirt into the grave.

"He was a good man."

"He was," Jaina murmured. She didn't question that Kyp was the one to stay in vigil beside her. She wrapped her arms tighter around herself, against the biting wind that tore across the plain.

"I didn't like him much at first, but he was a good friend," Kyp said.

"I didn't like him much at first, either," Jaina said with a smile. "But he grew on me."

Kyp slung his arm around her shoulder. "That kid of yours sure loved him."

"He was her favourite person in the world. She hasn't taken it well."

"You have, though," he said softly. "Aside from that first day."

Jaina looked over. "I'd say it's because I'm accustomed to death, but . . . I guess it's because I have to be strong for Nattie. You know? Can't fall apart like I want to, I have a child to look after."

Kyp shoved his hands in the pockets of the long coat he wore and looked down at the grave. He cleared his throat. "Well . . . if you ever need to fall apart, let me know and I'll pick up the pieces."

Jaina thought of Jag's final words. She couldn't think about what Jag seemed to be telling her, but she could accept Kyp's help. "I'll let you know."


	5. Chapter 5

**\--Chapter Four--**  
  
 _There ain't nobody who can show you how_  
 _To find the surface when you're underground_  
 _There ain't no blanket that can hide this cold_  
 _There ain't no memory_  
 _That ever gets old_  
  
 _\-- Rob Thomas, "When The Heartache Ends"_  
  
With Jag's funeral over, Jaina found herself floundering. She'd existed through the past few weeks with the hazy goal of just breathing in and out from moment to moment.

She had spent nine years of her life with Jag, five of them married, and with his death, there was a void she didn't know how to fill. At twenty-seven, she found herself effectively starting over on Ossus. She'd lived on Denon since the end of the war, so the isolation of Ossus was very different, and she found herself thinking of it as doing the same, rebuilding something that had been lost.

She taught for two hours each day, different subjects to the current group of twelve teenage students. Natale followed her everywhere, instead of going to the class for the handful of children her age.

When she wasn't teaching, Jaina was usually in the hangar for the Jedi squadron, or in the apartment she and Natale had in one of the small buildings clustered around the entrance of the Jedi Library. Luke Skywalker had named her and Kyp leaders of the squadron, and the familiarity of training ten other Jedi helped her rebuild the structure of her life.

It felt odd, though, to not have Jag in their shield trio.

"What are you thinking about so hard?"

Jaina glanced over at Kyp, pausing in adjusting the laser on her lower starboard S-foil. "Jag. What else?"

"I figured. You get that far away look when you do." Kyp leaned against the wing. "It's different, isn't it?"

"What?"

"Flying in Twin Suns without him. You had command of the squadron for two years, and he stayed when I left to reform the Dozen."

Jaina's grip on her hydrospanner relaxed. It had long ago ceased to amaze her how well he knew her. "Yeah. It just feels wrong to not hear his voice checking in as Two or Three."

She sighed. "They gave him command of Twin Suns at the end of the war, but then it was decommissioned."

He nodded. "You chose the name of this one to remember him."

Jaina blinked away a tear. "Yeah."

She smiled suddenly. "But I'm glad _you're_ here. At least I have one of my guys at my back. Have to have _someone_ to boss around."

"That's what _you_ think, _Co-Lead_." He stuck his tongue out at her.

"Oh, real mature, Durron," she laughed. "Especially for a forty-one-year-old Jedi Master."

He raised an eyebrow. "Who says I have to be mature?" he retorted.

Jaina rolled her eyes, smiling, and then the smile fell from her face and she sighed. Changing the subject, she said, "I think Jag would have liked it here. Csilla looks alot like Ossus, only out of ice, not rock."

Kyp frowned. "Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"You run from anything that makes you smile."

It was Jaina's turn to frown. "I don't," she protested.

"Yes, you do. Not when you're with Nat, but every other time. Like just now."

She looked across the hangar, to where Natale was playing with an X-wing toy while her mother worked. "It doesn't feel right," she said quietly. "To laugh, knowing my husband is dead. That he knew he was dying."

Kyp followed her gaze. "Jaina . . . It's admirable that you feel so strongly about it . . . but it's been six months. I know you loved him and that you're always going to love him. But . . . You're only going to hurt yourself if you hide behind your pain."

"And you're such an expert?" she demanded, brown eyes snapping as she turned to glare at him.

His dark green eyes were serious. "Yeah, I'd say I have a lot of experience. I've watched someone that I . . . care about marry someone else, have a family, and now suffer because that someone else is gone. Tell me I don't understand."

The way he stalked out told her that he was angry. She let him go because she didn't want to start an argument. In doing so, she'd be doing exactly what Jag had told her not to do with his dying words.

He was right, though. She knew Kyp was right. She just didn't want to admit it.  
  


\-----

More angry with himself than with her, Kyp left the hangar before he said anything he'd regret later.

He'd tried long ago to shove aside the romantic feelings he had for her, so that he could exist with the fact that she was another man's wife. He wasn't perfect, and sometimes it snuck back in, but he'd managed to be her friend, Jag's friend, and had been . . . not exactly content, but it had been okay.

He knew she loved Jag, and wasn't nearly ready to move on. He also knew that when she eventually did, it might not be with him. The part of him that loved her desperately warred with the part of him that had been Jag's friend. Jag had entrusted Kyp with the lives of his wife and daughter, and he didn't want to betray that trust by taking advantage of Jaina's pain and need.

A bench stood at the edge of the memorial field. Kyp sat on it, a metre away from Jagged Fel's final resting place.

"I don't know how to keep doing this," he said aloud, as if speaking to the dead man. "It was easier when you were alive, because you stood between us. Now she uses her grief as a wall between herself and everyone, in your place, and I find myself reluctant to push past it to help her, because . . . I don't like seeing how she hurts, but I can't save her as I did before you came, because you _still_ stand between us. You're a spectre that sometimes I think will never go away."

Kyp shook his head. "I love her. You knew that. You knew that I love Nat like my own child. You wouldn't have asked me to look after them if you didn't know. I would have done it anyway, of course . . .

"But I don't know what you would have wanted now. I feel like loving her is a betrayal of that trust, Fel."

He sighed. "But you're dead . . . so I suppose it all depends on Jaina."

Kyp sat for another while in silence, contemplating the dilemma. It began to grow dark, and he heard footsteps on the path behind him.

"I'm sorry."

Jaina sat on the other end of the bench, a gulf between them.

"What for?" he asked.

"Treating you the way I did."

He shook his head, dark hair falling to hide his eyes. "No need."

"No, there is. You're right. I have no right to say you don't understand. It's just that sometimes . . . it hurts so much that it seems no one could ever understand. It's so personal, and no one else was in the relationship, and so, sometimes, I think that no one could experience what I've been through. Because _I_ lost Jag. I loved him so much, and I miss him."

Jaina paused, and cleared her throat. "Imagine giving yourself to someone, giving yourself completely, having a life together, creating a child together . . . and then, suddenly, this other person that you've shared so much with is taken from you, without warning. And you'll never see them again."

"I know, Goddess."

She pulled her eyes from Jag's grave. "It doesn't just go away overnight. If I died today . . . how long would you love me?"

Kyp hesitated. "Forever," he rasped. "Longer."

"Exactly. But you're right. I can't keep using it as a shield. He's not coming back, and no amount of grieving is going to bring him back. I just don't want to . . . stop grieving because it feels like if I do, then he's gone, and . . . like maybe he didn't mean as much to me as I thought? And I don't want that to happen."

Kyp shook his head. "It won't, Jaina. Jag is always going to be part of your life. Nothing will change that, and nothing _should_. And you have Nat."

"I know."

Kyp opened his mouth, closed it, tried again. "I won't try," he said at last. "If that's what you're afraid of. I accepted long ago that all I can be is your friend."

Jaina swallowed, struggling against the lump in her throat. "You're my _best_ friend. And I've never thought you would."  
  


\-----

During the move, Jaina had hastily shoved everything into boxes. It was only as she'd unpacked things over the last few months that she had begun to put Jag's possessions into boxes.

There was a box of things that she wanted to keep, for sentimental reasons, that went beyond holos and love letters. A particular shirt, his flight jacket, uniforms, patches, medals, the suit he'd worn for their wedding--the one time she'd managed to get him to dress up in anything other than his formal uniform--the scarf she'd given him for his lifeday, the presents she'd given him on their anniversaries, and for Fête Weeks. The little things Nat would pick up and hand to Jag, and that he would actually keep and carry with him.

She also had a box of things for Nat, knowing the child would one day want mementos of her father. These things were more difficult to choose, because she had to select the things that told her child of the man that Jag had been.

At first, going through his things had been painful. Finding one of his socks in a box of her shirts would send her into tears for hours. And then, gradually, it didn't hurt so much. She began to look back on them and remember, instead of just face the gaping wound his death had caused.

Then, one day, not long before the first anniversary of his death, she packed up the last box, and put it in storage.

And she began to heal.


	6. Chapter 6

**\--Chapter Five--**  
  
 _But it's alright_  
 _Why don't you tell me again_  
 _How you'll still be there_  
 _When the heartache ends_  
  
 _\-- Rob Thomas, "When The Heartache Ends"_  
  
A quiet trilling woke Kyp sometime in the middle of the night. He sat up, blinking groggily in the dark bedroom, until he recognised the sound as his commlink, sitting on the nightstand. He, too, had moved to Ossus. It had just seemed easier in the long run.

"Durron," he rasped.

"Kyp?"

The sound of Jaina's voice brought him fully awake. "What's wrong?"

"I hate to comm you in the middle of the night like this, but could you come over?"

Without even asking why, he said, "Sure. Be there in a few."  
  


\-----

Jaina opened the door to Kyp's quiet knock. She was dressed in a robe much too large for her, which meant it had been Jag's. She didn't look like she'd been to bed, though she was dressed for it. She also didn't look like there was any dire emergency, which was what he'd been expecting during the walk from his building to hers. He'd been thinking something had happened to Nat.

"Come in," she said.

He stepped in and was surprised to find Jacen Solo in the living room. He looked at Jaina curiously, wondering why she'd summoned him if her twin was here.

"Jacen just heard from Tenel Ka," she said quietly. "She's getting married next week."

Kyp blinked. "And not to Jacen?" He was incredulous. He'd thought for sure that was a sure thing. Granted, Jacen had never got off his butt to ask Tenel Ka . . .

She shook her head.

"Okaaaay . . . What can I do?"

Jaina glanced at Jacen, who had a hand to his forehead and a glass of Corellian whiskey in his other hand. "Well . . . we had an idea . . ."  
  


\-----

They told their family that Jaina was taking Natale to Csilla to visit her grandparents, and that in light of the news from Tenel Ka, Jacen was going with. They didn't bother trying to explain Kyp's presence. The way Nat clung to him was reason enough.

Jaina's ship, _Trickster_ , was sleek, of Chiss design, with enough decidedly Corellian accents to indicate just how much Jaina had worked on it during her recovery after Jag's death. Like her father, she tinkered when she was upset. It had been the Fel family ship, given to Jag as a wedding present from his father, and sole possession had reverted to Jaina, who had renamed it from the unpronouncable Chiss title Jag had given it. There was plenty of room on-board, though everyone had their own cabin. Jag had wanted several children.

They landed on Hapes, in full view, and Jacen stayed on board. Kyp and Jaina went to see Tenel Ka. They took Nat with them, partially to divert any suspicion that might come up later, and partially because Nat wouldn't let "Kyppie" go anywhere without her.

"I think I can tolerate 'Kyppie'," he murmured to Jaina as they watched Natale skip along the path ahead of them. "It's 'Unckie' I hated."

"I could tell. You went kind of purple every time she called you that." Jaina grinned.

"You used to call me Kyppie," he said.

"I know. Who do you think introduced her to it?"

Tenel Ka was happy to see Jaina. At least, as happy as she'd let herself appear. They'd only seen each other once since Jag's funeral, when Tenel Ka had come with a delegation from Hapes, formally to recognise the man who'd helped save Hapes from the invading Yuuzhan Vong eleven years before. Of course, Tenel Ka was really only there to support her long-time friend in her hour of need.

"We're on our way to Csilla," Jaina said. "But we heard the news, so we decided to make a short detour. Unfortunately, we can't stay for the wedding."

"I am glad you have come," the Queen Mother said. Her tone went flat and emotionless suddenly, though only those who knew her well could tell. She wasn't a very demonstrative person.

Jaina frowned. "Is everything alright?"

Tenel Ka looked at Jaina for a moment, then said, "Let us go into the garden. Perhaps Natale would like to see the flowers."

Once outside, Tenel Ka diverted Jaina into the topiary maze.

"No, everything is not alright," her friend admitted quietly. "I do not want this marriage, but I must produce heirs, and I feel I cannot continue waiting for . . ."

"Jacen?"

Tenel Ka's grey eyes fixed on Jaina. "Yes. Things have not been the same since the war. I _love_ him . . . but he is so changed. I do not know his feelings for me. His distance is disconcerting. He was once my best friend."

Jaina was distracted from thinking that she knew very well what Jacen's feelings were by those few words, and found herself pondering them. The thought that came to her was that she hadn't married her best friend, either.

At once, she felt disloyal to Jag. She'd loved him, even if he hadn't been someone she could share _everything_ with.

"What if you didn't marry what's-his-name?"

The Queen Mother's spine straightened, and Jaina knew she was pulling on the metaphorical armor she kept around herself. "It does not matter. I marry in three days, and I must live with my choice."  
  


\-----

That night, it was Jaina's turn to stay on the ship with Nat, while Kyp and Jacen went on an errand.

Jacen had to admit, as he followed Kyp down the dark corridor of the royal palace, that the Jedi Master was better at infiltration than he was. Of course, a large part of it was natural Force talent, but he'd also spent five years during the war, honing his skills.

And on a mission like this, there was no one else better suited to it.

"So you did this to get Jaina out for Anakin's funeral?" Jacen whispered as they paused outside the Queen Mother's chambers.

Kyp nodded, motioning for silence. Getting the door unlocked was simple, just a flick of his wrist and a bit of the Force, and they were in.  
  


\-----

Jaina was reading to Nat while she waited for the men to return. "So he walked, and he walked . . ."

Her commlink beeped once.

"Wait here, sweetie," she said. "Mommy has to let Kyppie and Uncle Jasa in."

She keyed the ramp extender and stepped aside. Jacen dashed up the ramp with something slung over his shoulder. Kyp came after him and closed the ramp.

"Let's go," he said. "I'm not sure how long it's going to be until someone notices."

A handful of minutes later, they cleared the atmosphere. Their escape had been aided unwittingly by Tenel Ka herself, who had issued Jaina clearance with Hapan Control to leave whenever she wanted. Ironic, that.

Of course, it wasn't going to be so pleasant when the Queen Mother woke up in one of the cabins aboard the _Trickster_ and discovered she'd been kidnapped.  
  


\-----

"Remind me again why we're doing this?" Kyp asked. He cast a baleful eye towards the back of the ship, from whence came clearly the sounds of an enraged Tenel Ka screaming at the top of her lungs at Jacen.

"Because she's miserable, and he's miserable, and if I let her marry that guy . . . it would be bad. I don't want them feeling one bit of what I felt when I lost Jag." Jaina glanced towards her cabin, which, mercifully, was mostly sound-proof from the rest of the ship. Nat wouldn't be too disturbed by her hopefully soon-to-be aunt's tirade against Jacen.

"I want them to have what I had for a while. Hopefully, Jacen won't get himself killed." Jaina made a face. "You know . . . I can't believe it's been almost two years since I lost Jag."

Kyp glanced towards Jaina's cabin. " _I_ can't believe you have a five-year-old."

"Mom was just barely having me and Jasa at my age."

"True."

Kyp got up and went to the door to the corridor. "You two mind keeping it down back there, or do we have to make you get a room?" he shouted.

There was a shocked silence, and then _two_ voices yelled back at him. Kyp closed the door and grinned at Jaina, who shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"You're horrid," she said.

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

She laughed.

"Where are we headed?" Kyp asked.

"Jacen didn't specify a direction, so I picked. I figured I needed somewhere far, far away from Hapes. I mean, you don't just kidnap their Queen Mother without having their fleet come after you."

"Wonderful," Kyp said sarcastically.

"So," she continued, as if he hasn't spoken, "I picked Endor. Don't know if they'd think to look for us there. For one thing, Jacen and I are officially members of a tribe of Ewoks there. So they'll protect us if we need it."

"And also because of the very convoluted jumps you've lead us through," Kyp said.

"That, too." She grinned.

They sat in silence for several more minutes, enjoying the relative quiet with the door shut.

"You ever think about remarrying?" he asked suddenly.

Jaina had been about to call up a star chart, and paused. "Not really. I mean . . . I know Nat needs a father figure, a solid one, in her life. But I don't know . . . It would be very strange to have someone else in my life, you know? I was with Jag for years."

"What would he want you to do, do you think?"

She shrugged. "He was possessive, but . . . He wanted me to find someone."

This news surprised Kyp, whose eyebrows shot up. "And when did he say this?"

Jaina bit her lip. She'd never told anyone about the recording. "He, um . . . recorded a message to me. While he was . . . waiting for someone to rescue him."

Kyp automatically reached over and touched her shoulder. "You never told me."

"I know. It's just . . . it was really personal, you know?" She sighed. "Doesn't hurt so much, to talk about him, anymore. At least, not with you."

He took that for the compliment it was meant as, but didn't speak.

She shrugged again. "I guess, someday . . . I want to be in love again. Sometimes I wonder if feeling this way means that I don't love him anymore-"

"Already said that wouldn't happen, Goddess," Kyp said. "All it means was that you had a good thing, and you want to find it again. Don't look at it as a bad thing."

She looked at him for a moment, then said, "Yeah . . . I guess you're right."

He grinned. "Of course I'm right. I'm always right."

Then, "Ow! No hitting!"


	7. Chapter 7

**\--Chapter Six-**  
  
 _Well it's alright_  
 _Why don't you tell me my friend_  
 _How you'll still be there_  
 _When the heartache ends_  
  
 _\-- Rob Thomas, "When The Heartache Ends"_  
  
"This place looks exactly as I remember," Kyp said as they gathered around the foot of the ramp.

Nat was looking at a plant when he said this, but Jaina, Jacen, and Tenel Ka all looked at him, a bit suprised.

"When were you here?" Jaina asked. "You didn't tell me that."

Kyp turned his gaze from the forest and looked at his companions, and then flushed as he realised what he'd said. "Uh . . . It was a while ago."

"Define 'a while'," she prodded. "There's gotta be an interesting story if it's made you blush _that_ badly. Come here on a romantic getaway with a girlfriend?"

He turned away and muttered something.

"I didn't catch that," Jaina said.

Kyp sighed. "I was here twenty-seven years ago. After I fled the academy, I came here to visit your grandfather's gravesite, and then I went back to the academy and stole the _Sun Crusher_."

Birds chirped somewhere in the distance. Nat picked a few flowers and headed back to her mother to show her. Jaina said, "Oh."

She looked down at her daughter, who was tugging on her hand. "What is it, sweetheart?"

The little girl was pointing behind the group. Jaina felt a prickle run up her spine, and turned.

A group of Ewoks, about twenty of them, stood gathered behind them. Most had spears. A handful had small, Imperial-issue blasters.

"Those blasters have got to be at least thirty years old," Kyp murmured.

"Yeah, well, I don't want to find out if their battery packs are still charged." Jaina glanced towards the ship. "Threepio! Hurry and get your golden butt out here!"

The protocol droid appeared at the top of the ramp and tottered down to their level. All of the Ewoks took a step back. The lead Ewok jabbered something.

"Oh, my," Threepio said. He said something back, and the Ewok nodded, chittering.

"What'd he say?" Jacen asked.

"He greets us. Apparently, their chieftain saw our arrival, and sent them to find out if we were the humans who came before, and that my presence confirms it."

Jaina shrugged. "Tell him that Jacen and I are the children of Han and Leia."

Threepio did as instructed, and the head Ewok motioned for the group to follow him.

"That was pretty easy," Kyp murmured. He picked up Nat and put her on his shoulders.

"Almost too easy," Jaina agreed.

Tenel Ka remained silent, but at least she'd stopped glaring at them.  
  


\-----

Late that evening, Kyp left the tree-house he and Jacen were staying in and found Jaina outside on one of the walkways, leaning on the railing. Her hair was down, nearly to her waist, and she'd dressed in a faded garment that was pieced together.

"Your mother's dress," he said.

She glanced over. "How'd you know?"

"Han's mentioned it a few times." Kyp leaned on the railing. "What are you thinking about?"

"Family," she said. "Been thinking a lot, lately, about things. With Jacen and Tenel Ka. She wants to marry him, she loves him, and she wanted out, but her pride won't let her be happy that he rescued her. And I think about how she has what she wants right in front of her, and is too stubborn to reach for it . . . and what I had was taken from me."

Jaina rubbed her forehead. "I miss him. The ache is fading, I don't wake up nearly screaming at night anymore. But I miss him."

Kyp glanced sideways at her, but didn't comment.

She straightened. "It was here that Mom first found out that Vader was her father, Uncle Luke her brother. And my grandfather died in orbit here."

He nodded, wondering where this was going.

"Recently, my mother found out some things. That her parents were married in secret because the Jedi didn't allow attachments. I have family on Naboo, where my grandmother was from. We don't know much more than that, because everyone except Mom and Uncle Luke's cousins, Ryoo and Pooja, are dead."

She sighed, turning her gaze up to the stars. "I can't imagine what it was like for Anakin Skywalker, to be alone all those years, disfigured, struggling, and then to find out that he has two children, that he never got to know because he made the wrong choice, turned to the Dark Side, and Obi-Wan hid his own children from him."

"You thinking about Nat, and Jag's parents?"

Jaina nodded. "I don't know what I'm going to do in future, if I'll remarry. But whatever happens, I'm going to make sure that Nat knows her father's family, knows where she came from."

Kyp nodded. "In a way, I really identify with Luke and Leia. My family's gone. It happened when I was young enough that I don't know anything about where my parents were from, before they went to Deyer. All I know about them is that my mother died to save me, after my father was killed."

Jaina's eyes met his. "Sometimes I imagine that I'm the only one who's known pain. But we all have, haven't we? We've all lost people close to us."

"It happens. We've had two galactic wars in sixty years. When most of the people you know are Jedi, and there have been two Purges . . . You lose people. I can almost see why attachment was forbidden. It hurts too much to lose someone. I know that being attached to someone, and then losing them, is a potential catalyst for the Dark Side."

Zeth. Chewie. Anakin. Jag. Yes, she knew, too.

"But it's also a strength," he said suddenly. "Because you have motivation to save someone. You have a reason to worry about their welfare. And what purpose is there to living if you _have_ to push everyone away and _just_ become the Jedi?"

"I ask myself that constantly," she admitted. "Being the Sword of the Jedi. All of that tall and alone stuff. I don't _want_ to be alone. And I would never, _ever_ give up my daughter for the chance to be a more 'perfect' Jedi. Asking someone to turn off their heart to better serve _your_ ideal is wrong."

"Which is probably why your grandparents married in secret. Whatever came of that . . . I'm glad they did," he said quietly.

"Why is that?"

He reached over and tucked her hair behind her ear. Jaina stopped breathing, recognising the unguarded expression on his face.

Kyp bent his head, brushed his lips across hers.

Footsteps on the walkway made him jerk back.

Jaina, eyes wide, stared at him.

"I'm sorry," he muttered. "I shouldn't have done that."

He left in a hurry, away from the direction of his accommodations, and into the darkness. Jaina stared after him, wondering what had just happened. She hadn't _wanted_ him to kiss her . . . but it had been nice. It had been too long since she'd been kissed.

Jacen appeared. "Was that Kyp?"

Numbly, she nodded.

"What's he in a hurry about?"

Jaina shook her head. she cleared her throat and asked, "So . . . how are things going with Tenel Ka?"  
  


\-----

The next morning, they received a transmission from Han and Leia, who had just heard from Isolder, saying that Tenel Ka was missing, and oh, by the way, Syal Fel was wondering why Jaina hadn't shown up as planned?

When their kidnapping plot was revealed, Leia merely rolled her eyes and said, "This is _your_ fault, Han."

In the light of day, the kiss Kyp had given her seemed nothing more than a dream, but she found herself stopping at strange moments and wondering what would have happened if Jacen hadn't arrived.

It disturbed her when she realised that she almost wanted to find out.


	8. Chapter 8

**\--Chapter Seven--**   
  
_And I move all directions_  
 _To the corners and the outskirts_  
 _While the lovers and the lonely_  
 _Start to whisper all about me_  
  
 _\-- Rob Thomas, "When The Heartache Ends"_   
  
Nattie loved the Ewoks. She was roughly the same height as the furry bipeds, and she spent hours chasing around with them. Jaina was relieved to have playmates for her daughter, because Nat definitely took after the Solo side of the family. 

"She needs a sibling," Jacen said, as they watched Nat play. They'd been on Endor three days, and were expecting the Solos at any time. 

"Any sibling will be five years younger than her, and that's assuming I have another child now," Jaina said. "The age difference is too great." 

Jacen shrugged. 

"How are you and Tenel Ka?" 

Her twin flushed. "She's not mad at me anymore." 

"Probably no point in it, since she was supposed to be getting married yesterday." Jaina bumped her shoulder against his. "She didn't want to marry that other guy. She loves you." 

"Yeah, but she's one of the most stubborn women I've ever met." 

"You should be used to it, you grew up with me." 

"That's an understatement," Kyp said behind them, as he emerged from the brush. "And now you've combined that with the Fel stubbornness in Nat . . ." 

Jaina groaned. "Don't even remind me. She's bad enough now, I can't bear to think of her as a teenager." 

Kyp grinned. He jerked a thumb back the way he'd come. "Thought you might want to know, your parents just landed."   
  


\-----

Han and Leia had brought someone else with them. Isolder, Prince of Hapes, stared balefully at the group as they came forward. 

"Whozzat?" Nat asked in a loud whisper, from atop Kyp's shoulders. "He looks mean." 

The comment apparently carried to Tenel Ka's father, whose lips twitched. He managed to maintain the glower as Tenel Ka walked up to him. 

"I am alright, Father," she told him. "And I do not see why you are angry, you did not want me to marry Geral." 

Isolder engulfed her in his massive arms. "I am glad to see you safe, daughter." 

Tenel Ka stepped back. "Do not be angry with my friends. They did me a service. And . . . I have decided that I will take Jacen as my consort as soon as we return to Hapes." 

Han and Leia's mouths dropped open. Kyp grinned, Jaina looked pleased, and Jacen looked sheepish. 

Isolder merely rolled his eyes. "I expected as much. And though I know you do not need my permission, I give you my blessing."   
  


\-----

Tenel Ka left with the Solos and Isolder, and Jacen left Endor with Kyp and Jaina. Nat was sad to leave the Ewoks, and cried for three straight hours after they entered hyperspace. 

They went straight to Hapes, for the impromptu wedding. Most of the previous arrangements were held over for the new celebrations. Afterwards, Jaina borrowed a speeder from the palace and left Natale with her parents. She made her way to the place where Anakin's funeral had been held. 

She wasn't even startled when Kyp came out of the treeline and sat beside her. "You remember the last time we were here?" she asked. 

"Hard to forget." 

They gazed in silence at the landscape, even though it was only lit by moonlight. 

"Look, I'm sorry," Kyp said, after a few minutes. 

"For what?" 

"What happened on Endor. Kissing you." 

She laughed softly, the sound washing over him in time with the cool breeze. It was a welcome sound; he hadn't heard nearly enough of it in the two years since Jag died. "No, you're not. Don't lie." 

Kyp sighed. "Okay, fine, I'm not sorry." 

Jaina drew her knees up, arms folded over them, and rested her chin on her forearm. "You know," she murmured, "the thousands of times I've imagined this conversation, this wasn't how I expected it to go." 

The silence this time lasted longer than Jaina had expected it would. It was quite a bit of time before his voice came out of the dark towards her. 

"You've imagined this?" 

She turned her head. Only her hair was visible, lined in silver from the starlight. "Kyp, we've been dancing around the subject since I was eighteen. I've known for eleven years how you feel. I'm amazed that you've only kissed me once in all that time." 

He shifted to face her, a gesture not really needed in the darkness. "If this is . . . going to make things uncomfortable . . ." 

Jaina reached out and caught his hand. "Kyp. You're my best friend. You've been there for me through the hardest times in my life. You were there for me when Anakin died. And when Jag died. In some ways, you're most a father to Nat than Jag ever got to be. If you leave now . . ." 

Kyp laughed, a scoffing noise mostly devoid of mirth. "Yeah, right. You know I can't leave." 

"That's just it. A million times, you could have left. And you haven't. You've done _so much_ for me. I'm sorry that I've . . ." 

She stopped, and he waited for her to continue. "I loved Jag. I love Jag. But he's gone. He's been gone for two years, and he's not coming back. I had something with him that was special. I know I'm not going to find something exactly like what we had, it isn't possible, and it isn't right that I would, you know?" 

He murmured something non-committal. 

"There's so much in my head, I can't get it out. I've never been all that eloquent or anything. Mom can explain everything down to the tiniest detail. Me? I'm my father's child, communicating in grunts." 

Kyp snorted. "Not quite. You do pretty good in your way." 

Jaina shook her head and gave his hand a squeeze. "Losing Jag put a huge hole in my shielding. I can't quite figure out how to say this without sounding completely co-dependent, but eleven years, and I still can't figure out how to straighten my course without you." 

He held his breath, not entirely certain what he was waiting for. 

"Eleven years, and you've just been there. I don't know anyone who cared that much. And it's scared me. I know that you think I haven't been aware of it, but I have. I just . . . why me, Kyp? What is it about me that . . . inspired this feeling?" 

Kyp very carefully threaded his fingers through hers, concentrating on that instead of the pounding of his heart. "You know . . . Eleven years, and I'm still not sure? It's not something I can dissect, quantify, explain. It just is, and . . . Force." He let out an explosive sigh. "I never thought I'd be discussing it with you, I'm a little unprepared." 

Another space stretched out before them, filled with everything unsaid. Neither knew where to start. 

"I'm not looking to replace Jag," he said after a while. 

"I know," she whispered. "But you should know by now that you have your own place in my heart. It just took me a while to see it." 

"What does this mean?" Kyp had to ask. "I swore that I'd be what you needed, even if it wasn't what I wanted, but Jaina, I'm tired of . . . putting aside what I want. I've been doing it too long." 

She swallowed, hard, and took a deep breath. Moving so that she was kneeling before him, she said, "Then don't do it anymore. What is it that _you_ want?" 

He had to lick dry lips before the answer would come. "You." 

Jaina touched his face in the dark, and not a part of her wondered if the false anonymity of it lent her courage. "There's nothing in your way, Kyp. Not anymore." 

"Jag-" 

"Jag's gone, Kyp. It's past time we both stopped worrying about his thoughts on it, because it doesn't matter. What matters is what you and I want and need. And I don't know about you, but I've had way too much time to think about it, and what I need, what I want, is you." 

"Just want?" he rasped. 

She sighed. "No, Kyp, not just want. Scary to say it, but I'm in love with you. I don't even know how long it's been. I can't pinpoint a moment in time when it happened, or even when I realised. It's just been. And I think Jag knew it. I'm not saying I love you less than I loved him, or more, or anything. But I know that when I think of not having you with me, I can't breathe. I've already lost Jag. I couldn't lose you, as well." 

His hands cupped her face. "Jaina," he sighed. "I've waited so long. I don't know if I can even find the words anymore." 

"Don't think," she whispered. "Just say what you feel. Tell me." 

"I'm afraid," he admitted. "Afraid this isn't real." 

"Don't be." 

Somehow, her mouth found his in the shadows. After a moment, his hand slid up her neck, to cup the back of her head, as he kissed her back. 

It was too immediate for him to think, "This is what I've been waiting for." There was no realisation of "I'm kissing Jaina!" It just felt right. 

When she finally pulled away, both of their hearts were racing. 

"Kyp," she said. 

"I love you," he responded. "I love you, Jaina." 

It just proved that some things were worth waiting for. 


	9. Chapter 9

**\--Chapter Eight--**  
  
 _And if I stand here silent_  
 _I almost start to feel you fading in_  
 _Telling me hold on_  
 _'Cause it's gonna be alright_  
  
 _\-- Rob Thomas, "When The Heartache Ends"_  
  
  
The final step in Jaina's grieving process was selling the Coruscant apartment she'd shared with Jag. It was hard to sign the papers turning it over to the new owners, but once she had, she felt a great weight lift from her shoulders.

Before she left for the last time, Jaina took a few minutes to be alone in the empty space that they'd made a home. She hadn't set foot in the place in three years, but it was good to have some time to reflect.

She stood in the kitchen and remembered the last time she'd seen him. It was strange to think that it had been in this room, standing right here, that she had kissed him good-bye for the last time. Three years now, he'd been gone, but she still remembered clear as crystal the feel of his mouth against hers for such a fleeting moment, neither of them expecting that they'd never see each other again.

She brushed her hand over the counter, remembering the shared breakfasts they'd had here, how Jag had watched when Jaina showed Nat how to cut out shapes in the cookie dough.

Why she'd kept this place for so long, she wasn't quite sure. They'd moved out of it years ago, but actually letting it go, she hadn't done until now.

 _Guess I just needed time_ , she thought, pausing in the bedroom door. She hadn't been back here since she'd hurriedly packed their things. The bed was gone, but the room still held lingering ghosts. When Jag had died, she'd thought that she could never love anyone again, never have another man beside her at night.

Here, in this room, it was still a wistful thought; if not for Kyp, she knew that she would have held to that. No one would replace Jag. No one could. The space that Jag had filled in her heart wasn't empty, but Kyp hadn't filled it; her heart had simply made room for him, as well. She viewed moving on with him much the same way.

"Bye," she whispered to the silence, and shut off the light.  
  


\-----

When she got home, Jaina tucked Nat into bed. She had a solitary glass of wine by the fireplace. She'd thought about inviting Kyp, but she wasn't quite ready for what would likely happen after that. Besides, Jaina needed a little space to herself.

She held the goblet in her hand, one of a set given to them as a wedding present. The firelight turned the liquid to a dark, rich red. Jaina stared into the depths of it, and smiled, remembering the times she and Jag had sat here, doing just this.

"Thank you," she whispered, even though he was long gone. "Thank you for giving me happy memories. For our daughter. For the time we had together. It wasn't as long as I would have liked, but . . . thank you."

There was no answer. Of course there wasn't.

"Thank you for letting me go."

It was probably just her imagination, that she felt, for just a moment, his arms around her.  
  


\-----

Natale's first official day at the Jedi academy was a big one for the family. The six-year-old could barely contain herself, she was so excited. Jaina took lots of holos, and it was bittersweet for Jag's absence.

Jaina taught the older students, not the six-year-olds, so she didn't have Nattie in any of her classes. She lingered for a moment outside Nat's first classroom, not wanting the moment to end.

"Hard to let go, huh?"

She barely glanced over at Kyp, though every cell in her body was aware of him. "Yeah. Even though I work here. It's just . . . realising that she's growing up, you know?"

"Just think. Now she's going to school, and soon, she'll be dating!"

Jaina turned and jabbed him in the stomach. "You are awful! I do _not_ need to think about her dating, she's only six!"

"Hey, I'm the one who's going to have to intimidate the boys." Kyp took her hand, rubbing his fingers over the discreet ring there; he'd asked only a few days before, quietly and without ceremony. They hadn't yet made an announcement, nor told Natale.

"I think I'm done with teaching," she said suddenly. "It was okay while I needed something to focus on that didn't involve shooting things, but I think I'd like to . . . get back to being an active Jedi."

"Even with Nat in school now?"

"Especially now that she's in school. I'm not meant for sitting around here, Kyp. It's safe here, but I feel like I need to be doing something now. Like I _can_ do something now."

Kyp smirked. "You just don't want to be stuck in your quarters all day while she's out of the house."

"Well, there's that."

They stepped away from the door and headed down the hallway towards his office; as a council member, he had one both at the academy and on Ossus.

"I'm restless," she admitted. "I need more purpose than teaching. It really isn't my thing, never has been."

Kyp thought for a moment. "Your father wasn't good with retirement, either. Of course, every time he retires, someone else tries to take over the galaxy."

Jaina sat on the edge of his desk. "Since Nat's here, I guess I could teach while she's in session, and when she's not . . . we could go places."

His green eyes studied her. He didn't speak, just let her vocalise her thoughts.

After a long moment, she said, "It's not like he's really _here_. And he's not going anywhere. I can visit when I want, but I . . . I can't hide here because that's where his grave is. Jag wouldn't have wanted me to do that."

Kyp rubbed a small circle on the back of her hand with his thumb. "No, I don't think he would."

Jaina smiled ruefully. "Besides, Tenel Ka's due soon, we should go see her."

"All right."  
  


\-----

They waited until the current school session ended, and travelled with Jaina's parents to Hapes, where they were present for the birth of Allana Padme Solo Chume Ta'a Djo, Princess of Hapes.

Jacen, quick one that he was, spotted the ring and asked when there were going to be little Durrons running around. Jaina just smiled and didn't answer.

They left Nat with Han and Leia, and went out to their special place. They sat in silence, side by side, looking up at the stars.

"I considered proposing here," he said after a while. "But I don't want everything connected to this place."

"It's nice, but . . . Yeah."

Then she said, "Thank you for being here for me. I don't know if I've ever actually said 'thank you'."

"You don't need to."

"I do, though. For me."

He accepted that, with a quietude he hadn't had when he was younger.

"Jag's parents want to come see Natale for Fête Week," Jaina said.

"I think that's a good idea," Kyp said.

"Yeah? I wasn't sure-"

He chuckled. "Goddess, I'm not going to be jealous. It's not like I have parents to be her grandparents. Besides, we discussed this on Endor, remember?"

She smiled. "I know. I was just checking."

"Mm."

Overhead, there was a brilliant flash as a shooting star went by.

"I know those are just space debris hitting the atmosphere, but it sure is pretty," she remarked.

Kyp wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "There _is_ something we haven't discussed."

"What's that?"

"When _are_ there going to be little Durrons running around?"

She ducked her head and laughed. "Good question. _After_ the wedding, I think."

"And when is that, Goddess? We haven't discussed that, either."

Jaina closed her eyes. She hadn't yet shared her bed with Kyp, hadn't been sure until recently if she was ready to.

"Let's elope," she said. "We can let Mom have her big wedding after that, we don't have to tell her we eloped, but I want it to be just you and me, I think."

"And Nat?"

"And Nat. But she gets a separate bedroom."

He nuzzled her hair. "I say we take off tonight."

Jaina bit her lip; she hadn't done anything really impulsive since they'd kidnapped Tenel Ka, and before that, well, it had been since before she'd married Jag. The thought now had her grinning like she was eighteen again.

"That's an . . . interesting proposition," she said slowly.

He gave a low laugh. "Why don't we go get the kid, and we'll see what other propositions you find interesting?"

_"Go. Do something rash, Jaina."_

She smiled a little wistfully, sending a wish with that shooting star, that Jag was at peace.

"Race you back," she said.


	10. Chapter 10

**\--Chapter Nine--**  
  
 _Say you'll be with me_  
 _When the heartache ends_  
  
 _\-- Rob Thomas, "When The Heartache Ends"_  
  
The ballroom was crowded, filled with people in their best finery. As he led the bride to the dance floor, Kyp reflected on a previous wedding he'd attended. It felt like just yesterday when Jaina had married someone else, been someone else's to hold and protect.

He smiled and kissed the top of the dark head tucked under his chin. She was resplendent in a pale green dress, one so light it was _almost_ white. When suggestions had been made that she wear white, she'd scoffed. Leia had shaken her grey head and laughed.

"Credit for your thoughts," she said.

"I was just thinking about . . . things." He quirked a smile. "You look happy."

"Surprised?" she asked.

"Not at all. Happy is good."

"You're really quiet today."

"Just pondering life. Weddings make a person do that." Kyp met Jaina's eyes and saw all the love he felt for her reflected in those dark depths.

"You're not going to get overly emotional on me, are you? 'Cause I never took you for the sappy type."

He laughed. "No. I'm just . . . proud of you."

As the song changed, and Kyp spun the bride under his arm, a tall young man dressed in a fine uniform, starched within an inch of his life, approached. He grinned nervously at Kyp.

"May I cut in?" he asked.

Kyp had to grin. "Go ahead."

Natale left her father's arms, to throw herself into those of her new husband. He felt a pang as the groom dragged her off.

Then Jaina was beside him. "I know you're thinking about when I married her dad."

Kyp slid an arm around his wife. "How could I not? She married a guy just like him."

"And you managed to refrain from killing him. I'm impressed."

He drew her close. "I still think she's too young. But there was no telling you anything at her age, either."

Jaina chuckled. Yes, she'd been an insufferable know-it-all at twenty, even after Kyp had taught her a few things. "I learned. She will, too."

"I hope she gets to keep him," he said quietly. "She's already broken her share of hearts. I don't want hers broken, too."

His wife linked their hands. "She doesn't have a you waiting for her, not like I did."

"We were just lucky that way."

Then his eye landed on someone furtively trying to spike the non-alcoholic punch with Corellian brandy. Kyp sighed. "Excuse me, Goddess, I need to go strangle Jag."

Jaina arched a brow and followed his gaze to their fourteen-year-old son. "Maybe this time I'll let you."

He kissed her quickly. "Wait for me."

"Always," she said. "Always."


End file.
